Death does not apply to me

​It’s fall and all this gray and rainy weather is so very conducive to writing. Instead of longer pieces, I thought of writing a few shorter bits, “shorts” as youtubers would call them, just to share some slices of life, in bite size format, like tapas!
 
Here’s my first one. Starting strong with a cold tapa!
“Death does not apply to me.”

​A statement that is both a cruel joke and a comforting lie all at the same time.
It creeps up on me quietly when I find myself enjoying the little things in life. When I am sitting in the passenger seat of the car and my husband is driving. We are going to see friends for dinner. The music playing hits just right and I latch on to my rêverie and let myself drift away as I look out the window. I feel at the summit of it all. For seconds that is all I know and I think I am eternal and that nothing can stop this. This life and this magnificent feeling.

Death does not apply to me.
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The words actually land into my consciousness and with their meaning, instantly pierce my lucid dream as I am reminded of just how many friends and family members death has plucked out of my life.

The truth is, I think of death every day. Or rather, I think of our mortality and how temporary our stay here really is. I always have, ever since I was little, I have despised the passing of time. Unlike many, I never wanted to grow old, already knowing somehow that a great childhood is one of life’s greatest gifts. That is where my obsession with photos and film stems from. Being able to freeze moments in time is still something that baffles me today.

But continuing on with our theme, knowing my impermanence and that I am only getting closer and closer to my end with each day that passes, has given me great motivation to live according to a strong sense of purpose and to limit regrets as much as possible. Not to compromise and betray myself. This was put forth even more with the pandemic that blazed through us, the ongoing conflicts that have taken over Ukraine and now Israel and Palestine and other unfortunate events that are not represented in the media but that are very real. Yet, here I am, peacefully going about my day. Sipping my coffee while a load of laundry is being done and my diffuser peppers the air that I breathe with the chosen essential oil of the day. Sandalwood.
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Death does not apply to me. 

Last Friday I took the day off and booked a hair appointment. As I sit in the chair with the toner doing its magic on my mane, I pull out my book to read yet another historical fiction story based in WW2 and, as I look at my new Nikes, I think how lucky I am to be able to walk. How energetic I feel and powerful to know that in 20 minutes, my hair will be splashed in golden tones of blond. I can do as I please.
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Death does not apply to me.
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The thought momentarily robs me of my power as I think – why am I even doing this? Why do we all bother with such futile activities when we know very well how many more important things we could or should be doing? We will all die anyway, why am I sitting here?

I am sitting here because my appearance and how I show up to in this world matters to me and affects how I feel. Investing in hair coloring is not futile, it is powerful act in some sense. I contribute in building my outer shell, my armor and consequently, my inner workings as well. I plunge back in to my book and in my comforting lie that at the moment, death does not apply to me.
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Thinking about death constantly would also be quite wasteful and would feel like I don’t actually want to be here. The complete opposite of who I am. I plan on staying as long as possible, so I am definitely pro-investing in activities that elevate my experience as a human being. Be it highly cultural or seeming insignificant to some.

I leave you with the wisdom of a handsome Brad Pitt in the movie “TROY”

  “I’ll tell you a secret, something they don’t teach you in your temple. The Gods envy US. They envy us because we are mortal. Because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful BECAUSE we are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see those laugh wrinkles around my eyes and am humbled that I have been here for some time now. I know one day we will meet, death and I. I don’t know the date and it is better so. But until then...
Death does not apply to me and may the gods envy us. *fist bumps death*
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Bee living with intention, every day.
​x
P.S. Hopefully I will not “accidentally” be struck by lightning today ;)