Ever woke up from a vivid dream feeling like you actually lived it? Certainly! Happens quite often right? Nothing surprising there. Ever woke up from a dream knowing you met up with someone you love who has died? Yep!  Wait, what?! You read correctly and once again, I certainly did and oh what a visit it was! It was so powerful that I decided to share it here with you. Meanwhile, the anniversary of the visitor's death is quite close so why not make this sort of celebratory.

About a month ago I think, actually I now know, that I've experienced what is known as a "Visitation dream". A visitation dream is a dream in which the dreamer is visited by a loved one who is now deceased. Now I know I probably lost a bunch of readers just now, but I strongly believe in the spiritual world and am attentive to all signs that come from the universe or to the least, I try to be. According to my ever in depth research online, it is believed that the reason we have visitation dreams is because "the dream world bridges the gap between the living and the spiritual worlds, making it easier for passed on loved ones to communicate with us" -www.MindfulDreamer.com

Before I went to bed, I remember being a bit preoccupied with many things, as all human beings are, that were accumulating on my to do list. Nothing major, just your regular activities but I remember feeling particularly pressed for trying to make everything fit nicely in my schedule and pleasing everyone at the same time (yet another very human being element heh?!). I went to bed asking the universe for clarity or for "things to resolved harmoniously" however it may. I usually throw in requests to the universe when I need anything as well as a thank you for an awesome bed, home, day and life as well.

Wesley Bauer was a friend whom I met through another close friend, Andrew, when I was 17 years old and attended Marianopolis College. He lived two blocks away from me and our friendship blossomed via many chatting sessions on ICQ. Wesley wasn't one of those friends I saw often, however, the times that we did see each other and met up are forever clearly stamped in my memory and I cannot think of one that wasn't funny or pleasant. As an individual, I remember Wesley for his kindness and fun-loving (and sometimes twisted) humor! He played bass and I remember sitting behind Andrew's drum set and playing something silly and he immediately picked up on the beat and started playing along with me, swaying his head up and down to the rhythm; he took music seriously, a passion of his. He was tall, blond, wore backward caps, sleeveless shirts and smiled, often. I remember I had met him for lunch at Dawson's College once. Like it was yesterday, I remember not seeing him right away, so I went inside in the entrance to find a payphone to call him (since I only had a pager at the time, ahhh the pagers!), I picked up the phone and as I dialed I saw him walk by so I hung up and ran to him yelling out his name, and there it was again, that ever welcoming smile. We hung out, he showed me around campus since it was very different from Marianopolis. Then we went to grab a bite, at Subways in the food court of Place Alexis Nihon. Funnily enough, I now work in the office towers of Place Alexis Nihon and see Dawson students on a daily basis and the spot where we sat for lunch as well. Coincidence?

We had unbelievably deep conversations during these ICQ chats, one of which, strangely enough, concerning death. He had shared imagining his own funeral and who would come and that dying before his time was his greatest fear but that these thoughts "were just dreams, Ivana". Unfortunately, none of us knew the tragedy that would unfold only two years later, click here if you would like to read about it, I actually found a blogger who describes the story.

Needless to say that what Mr. Bauer did shook worlds and changed many lives. I remember feeling for those who were even closer to him than I was and my, were there ever, are, many who mourned him. While standing in the church and taking in all the individuals who had come, I remembered that conversation we had. I dealt with it in my own way, listening to songs he liked and made me discover ("I miss you" by Incubus) replaying conversations we had and making a collage of pictures to distribute to those who wanted one. It marked me deeply and positively all at once. I decided that nothing must be kept quiet, you just say it, now. Or the moment just passes you by and that may have been your last chance. On September 18th 2011 marked the 10th year of his passing and a few friends gathered in a West Island pub (now know as Pioneer) to share old stories and celebrate our dear Wesley.

The part that involved the visitation went like this: I was at my grand-parents' house with my parents sitting at the kitchen table having espresso. All of a sudden, I get weird text messages. They were pictures of rooms in my grand-parents' home, where I was at that moment "well this is weird, why do I have a picture of the wall and the furniture with no one in it?!" I thought, then it's a if I knew it was Wesley saying "I'm sending you pictures of where I am, right now!" in other words: "I'm here, in the room next door, come see me!!" I just couldn't see him since he was a ghost, they don't show in pictures apparently ;) But when I realized how close he was I excused myself right away from the table and ran to the bedroom, I turned the corner and there he was waiting for me! I immediately ran to him, jumped in his arms and hugged him with a kiss on the cheek! The kind of thing I would truly and honestly do should I see a person I truly miss. I let go of the embrace to face him yet still holding on to his arms and said excitedly: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" looking at him. He was beautiful, well, smiling, happy and most of all shining with so much light. He appeared as though he hadn't changed one bit. He seemed like his 19 year old self with a sleeveless shirt and a backwards cap! amazingly, he answered: "I never died!" I was so shocked by the answer that I froze and a few moments later I woke up.

In the morning, I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of peace and energy. That everything in my life is good and that it's all going to be ok. I woke up happy, almost in tears not for the sadness, but the inner peace that I felt after seeing him. In the morning, I thought to myself: "hey, I saw Wes last night...cool...WHAT!!!! I SAW WES LAST NIGHT?!?!" That is how vivid and real it was. I felt like we met up, for real, as we did when I met him at Dawson or when he came over that time to lend me his CD player (in exchange for my pager for three weeks). Then I thought, but, it's a dream - but I saw him!  His face! We spoke! And though it wasn't an elaborate conversation, the message was clear. I felt like he was saying he was alive (in another way) and well and he is still the person we all knew. Behind that message was reassurance that I can do whatever I want in life!  Whatever project whatever I want to do, I just go and do it. Find a way. That's what I understood from it. Life is a gift, go in peace. Wow...the effects of that dream were strong and powerful. It is the first time I have experienced something of the sort.

Of course, I researched it and found many articles and though they don't have empirical data or scientific evidence to prove visitation dreams, they authors identified clear elements that indicate whether the dream indeed a visitation dream or not. I have all of the criteria mentioned. Click here if you would like to read this article.

The last time I saw Wes, he was working at Loblaws in the meat department and he was walking back towards the butcher counter after placing freshly wrapped meat in the refrigerated area. There he was, wearing his white lab coat, walking tall as always. I wanted to say hello, but did not want to bother him at the time..."he's working..." I thought, I'll just be annoying. (do you get my life is now motto now?). A few weeks later I had emailed him one of those silly emails that asks random questions about yourself which pretty much no one takes the time to fill out but per chance, Wesley surprised me and answered every single question and emailed it back September 8th 2001, ten days before he passed away. Fortunately, this email served as a great way to remember the kind of person he truly was in the written word. I preciously preserved his email and kept his answers intact, I will share them below for those who would like to reminisce.

To me, it is important to sometimes revisit those memories and be able to laugh at the jokes we shared, smile at the pictures we took and treasure the good that the person has brought me and how great our friendship is (not was). The truth is every person we meet is a potential teacher from whom we will learn something even when they are gone, they live in how we reacted and remember them. In how we take them along. Even when the experience is hurtful, there is still good at the end of it as we will learn from it most probably. It is up to us to learn and move on or stay stuck. Wes wouldn't have wanted us to get stuck anyway :)

I feel privileged to have seen Wes in this way and wonder if others have also been visited as well. Having had this dream in early August, I can't help but share this on this 18th of September. Since that visitation dream, he has been on my mind a lot lately as I see young students with backward caps hanging around Dawson's entrance or smiling when I see Subways in the food court. This blog post is my way of reminiscing and celebrating him. To thank him for the blessing of his appearance in my dream. as well. Wesley was kind and smiled warmly...and apparently, he still does!

Pleasant dreams to you all bee readers! Go bee who you are in the world, your presence is someone else's gift! 

Bee (or as Wes liked to refer to me: Tiny hero)

P.S. If you are a believer, apparently when you find feathers or coins on the street, weird coincidences and the likes...those are signs of deceased loved ones that have placed those elements in your path purposely to contact you in a way. We are just sometimes too caught up in routine to pay attention or notice...

Hi guys,

It's been a little while since my last post. Since the last one was quite dense, I let a few weeks pass by to give you time to read the entire thing. I will, however, make an effort to reduce the amount of words I do share as I'm sure it can get quite boring to read me after some time and it gets discouraging to see all that text to read in the post.

Lately, I've noticed that my battles usually have to go with letting things go. Be it a situation, a person, an object, the solution was often found once my emotions subsided and I let go of the anger and worry. Being human, it is quite easy to fall in a blasé routine and forget what's really matters. When that happens, it is important to develop a reflex to put things back in perspective to help make light of the situation and focus on the positive. Easier said than done, trust me, I am working on it every day. Here's an example...

My father came over two weekends ago to install a new ceiling fan with a light since our original fan is without light and quite noisy. Everything went great! The fan was installed and I even had a new remote control to adjust it. the following Thursday, I wanted to show my neighbor my new bedroom overhaul since I'd also updated other details like the comforter and she hadn't seen it yet. I press the button on the remote control to turn on the fan before inviting her over but nothing happens. I try again, again. zero - no movement. I then try to aim the remote better but still nothing. In short: it had only been 6 days the fan had been up and it was already broken... I was furious! Yet ANOTHER thing that went wrong this week and just when I wanted to show my friend, that's when it breaks. I called my dad and let him know what happened and then, I quite literally took a pillow and screamed in it (nice visual heh?). I felt SO much better after and that's when my mind was clear enough for me to think:

1) How bad is this situation in the grand scheme of things? not bad, it can be fixed

2) Is my health in danger?  Did I lose my legs or something? No....

3) Could I have prevented this? No...

4) Is anything here in my control with regards to breaking the fan? No

5) What is in my control? The fact that I can fix it and the way I react to this

6) Awesome, let's move on to fixing and letting go.

So my anger and frustration were calmed quite quickly ONCE I evacuated them (pillow screaming). I was able to move faster to something else and let it go. The emotions do have to be expressed. They need to be acknowledged, released and accepted. The challenge is not to let them take over the situation and rather, realize what is truly important - being alive, well and focus on what can be fixed. I noticed that there was a lot of such little frustrating situations in a day that can easily overpower us. Most of the time, we cannot control many aspect in the issue at hand and that adds fuel to the fire. So in essence:

Step 1: Evacuate your emotions by expressing them (don't shoot the messenger or the receiver that happens to be there)

Step 2: Take a step back, how bad is it...really

Step 3: Accept what happened and let it go...which will allow you to come back in the present

Like I said, it's a work in progress and not an easy thought process to do without over-analyzing.

...And when I say meditation, I don't mean sitting like the Buddha statue and humming (unless of course you want to do this...). Meditation is, to me, a few moments to breathe, quite literally, and calm our speeding thoughts by getting in sync with ourself. It brings us back in the present time and makes us realize how we are feeling (stressed, tired, happy, etc.). I appreciate this effect especially in the morning as the day begins. After a good workout, I will go on the rooftop terrasse, sit on the bench facing the sunrise and play a 6-10 minute meditation podcast on my iPhone. I started doing this every other morning and I can't say enough how nice it feels. I close my eyes, listen to the speaker and let it guide me. Also, I can select from many recorded podcasts depending on what I want to focus on at that moment. It truly allows me to anchor myself and starts the day on an even more positive note, especially if I am feeling particularly stressed. I calm my breathing, I release the tension and I gain perspective. I strongly recommend it! Honnestly, if you don't have time for this but you have time to smoke a cigarette? You need to do this!

My favorite podcast: "My Meditation Station" by Stin Hansen - I love her voice and her style! There are tons of others out there you can try out.

If you can't fall asleep? She's got an episode for that. You keep obsessing about something? She's got an episode for that too.

It's 10 minutes, feels nice and grounds you...try it out!

Bee...Zen xx