Learning to Disappoint People: Boundaries

Hello beeple people,
Cheers to autumn and its crisp announcement of a new beginning, a rebirth. I come to you one year later, or almost, with none other than the art of disappointing others.

*audience gasps in horror*

Now hold on, I don’t mean to go out into the world and deliberately disappoint all and everyone. Rather, to learn to disappoint expectations that are not your own when it means doing yourself right.

Throughout my career, I have seen quite a few people, be they friends, colleagues, clients, acquaintances, succumb to burnout. Time and time again, I saw the empty office and abandoned desk, as though it was left in a suspended state (back when we had permanent offices, but don’t get me started on that), texts and out-of-office automated email responses announcing the person’s absence. It struck me as surprising each time, and yet it wasn't. I remember thinking, “But how?” These were some of the most intelligent and dedicated individuals. Their passion was remarkable. Another common behavioural trait, perhaps a more critical one, they seem to share was that they found themselves unable to disappoint others’ expectations. They consciously or unconsciously said yes to incoming demands and consequently, said no to themselves.

While not all of us are built the same- be it from our upbringing, our environment, our biological predispositions- which have a significant impact on how we respond to stress, I believe the escalation, while seemingly insidious, is, on the contrary, quite obvious. We choose to ignore our own will for reasons that seem legitimate, but inside... not even that deep inside, we know it feels wrong.

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Disappointing people isn’t the same as doing something wrong

It seems tough to wrap our brains around. Why? Here’s an example I experience often:

“Ivana, I’d really like to see you sometime soon.”
-Hello, friend, I am focusing on personal projects and want to keep my social calendar light; I am not committing to plans at the moment.
 “Ok, so give me some dates. Are you free in two weeks?”
Relentlessly, I repeat
-I am focusing on personal projects and cannot commit to social events at the moment.

In the past, I would have felt guilty. Because the math would be:
Displeasing others = I am wrong.
Now I know better. Those who don't understand me either don't know me well enough or simply aren’t allies (trust). For years, I have supported, listened and respected others in their personal projects and in their decisions:
“I’m busy with the kids”
“It’s soccer night, I can’t”
“I’m too tired”
Whatever it was, no problem. I don’t believe I have ever applied pressure or made someone feel guilty for choosing themselves instead of spending time with me. In a world that seems to be collapsing and massively overstimulated, I am now resolute to prioritise my needs, more often than not, rather than book social activities as though I am earning Aeroplan points for each outing. In fact, I get a cortisol spike seeing my agenda fully booked on weekends. It makes me feel task-oriented when what I crave is the freedom of the blank slate and spontaneity! Take the REM to the museum? Write in a coffee shop? Stroll around town? Whatever makes me happy.  

This is something that I live by most of the time. As the years have gone by, my social life and work are actively full of encounters and human interactions, some draining more than others; and so, I crave more alone time. Time in which I reclaim myself, recharge, relish in the silence of a good book, lose myself in a movie, and sort through my thoughts. A good soak in the tub as my St-Hubert chicken is being prepped and delivered, my fireplace and a movie. It is comforting to count on some things that remain unchanged. I do not need so much distraction; there is enough going on as it is.

The emotional cost of always saying yes

You know this. We all know this. So why? Why do we keep agreeing to stuff we don’t want? We can go back to the math formula: disappointing others = being wrong...OR...we can dig a little deeper and ask:

What am I trying to gain from saying yes to this person?
Asked another way: what do I fear by saying no to this person?

Answers will often surround either approval or a sense of self-worth. Very legitimate behavioural wants and needs.

Lemme challenge this some: wouldn’t the sense of approval and self-worth be that much more potent if you said no to them and the receiving person respected you for it?

Yes, it would.

No.1 Because you drew a limit they cannot cross, which is self-respect and one that comes from WITHIN. In other words, “I don’t need you THAT much that I am willing to self-sacrifice, however small the request”
No.2 The process of placing a boundary or asserting yourself enables the identification of true allies. Those who really see you for who you are. Those who are curious to understand you and then try to find a win-win situation with you.
Does it mean that I never feel some discomfort when I turn someone down for something or disagree on some perspective?
No.
However, that short-term discomfort is far superior to the much more profound discomfort I would have to live with had I lied to myself to be agreeable.

It is far easier to go against the current than it is to go against ourselves.

What’s more, each time you betray yourself, your body keeps the score. I strongly recommend reading “When the body says no – the cost of hidden stress” by Gabor Maté, MD. The number of patients for whom the common denominator was staying in situations that they inherently knew were bad for them to be “nice” or “agreeable” is frightening. He goes on to explain that this stoicism or reluctance to speak up not only caused them psychological distress; it led to extreme cases of illness, and for the most part, they were autoimmune diseases.

Imagine that – think about it for just one sec.

The body attacking itself. Your body is so fed up with your inability to defend it that it takes matters into its own hands and strikes at you. That way, you somehow seem to have a flare-up exactly when you need to attend that toxic family gathering, or see that colleague who drains you, or whatever the situation. That’s pretty smart and unfortunately also painful.

The author goes on to explain that "the brain relates to the gut data from sensory organs such as the eyes, the skin, and the ears – or, more correctly, relayed to the gut is the interpretation of such data by the brain’s emotional centres. The resulting physiological events in the gut then reinforce that emotional interpretation. That signals sent back to the brain give rise to gut feeling that we can apprehend consciously."
Time and time again, in stress, the gut will trigger the inflammatory response. Which brings me back to the intuition piece I began with. We know what we want. We know what FEELS right for ourselves. Why constantly go against it? Are we living for others?
No.
Repeatedly accommodating invitations and expectations can leave little room for your own solitude and recovery — rest is not earned; it is required.

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Learning to tolerate other people's disappointment

If someone is unhappy with the limits you have clearly placed, perhaps they should have been placed there before, because the boundaries are working. It is possible to be civil without being emotionally available — including with people you have chosen to distance yourself from.

Furthermore, you can be at peace with saying no to people, things, jobs, careers, and events that do not bring you joy for the simple reason of not wanting to. Define your own happiness!

So the takeaway? You can say no, protect your time, and make choices that others don't understand without needing to justify yourself. The real ones will stand by you or will learn to. If not? Stand alone at the summit of your goals.
On that note, I look forward to a chill fall – one with plenty of writing, music, and magic!
Bee free!
x
P.S. It's not you, it's me.

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